NSA? TMI!

Posted on Nov 1 2013 - 4:11am by John Feffer

Today’s satire is tomorrow’s headlines….

To: John Brennan, Langley HQ
From: Operative 650, undisclosed place
Re: Memo XP1476

Greetings within the tropics! I apologize for not composing to you earlier. As you possibly recognize, in the event you have my file in front of you, I wrote to your predecessors with different small proposals: outsourcing targeted killings to the Chinese, turning our drone system into a fact TV show, and imposing an Empire Tax on our allies. Unfortunately, if I may be immodest for a time, none of these proposals was picked up.

What was picked up, nonetheless, was my anonymous Twitter account. Until lately, I had a good desk job in Sydney. I guess I got a small too comfortable, and that’s why I began sending out anonymous tweets as @spookwonk. Naturally I not compromised any Agency info. I was largely commenting on Australian politics, Nicole Kidman’s private lifetime, and my newest blind dates. Somebody outed me — merely like they outed Jofi Joseph in the National Security Council — and today I’m stationed at a hearing post on an undisclosed Pacific island.

Anyway, enough about me. I’m composing to you with what I think is my right proposal yet. Actually, it’s a set of interlocking proposals. And I think I might conserve our intelligence agencies a lot of cash, and turning around the terrible public relations fiasco built by that ratfink Edward Snowden (yes, even out here on this undisclosed Pacific island, I received Order #56795 requiring us to utilize that adjective whenever referring to ES in private or public communications).

Bottom line: it’s simply not economically effective for the NSA to monitor every telephone call, e-mail, text content, Tweet, Facebook status update, OkCupid profile, Craig’s List posting, Yearbook scribble, and bathroom stall content all over the planet (I bet even President Obama doesn’t understand about this last operation). I’m having a difficult time keeping up with all the information stream passing through my small atoll, and we’re just responsible for 1/856th of the world’s surface. I could just imagine the form of tension headaches produced over there at Fort Meade. This surveillance offers TMI a entire fresh meaning. (Oh, merely in case you don’t understand the slang, that signifies Too Much Information. It furthermore stands for Three Mile Island, that is appropriate provided the meltdown that ratfink Snowden has caused.)

Chief takeaway: We ought to be more selective, and more proactive, in our information collection. Bank robbers usually state that they go where the cash is. We ought to be going where the tips are. And simply forget about the rest.

Ah, but how do we understand where the tips are? Here are my 4 strategies:

Have you heard about PostSecret? When I was running my anonymous Twitter feed, I felt this urgent need after a while to tell somebody my secret, somebody alternative than my blind dates. I found PostSecret online. You simply send an anonymous postcard with your secret to the fellow who runs the blog. He posts it or involves it in 1 of his certainly favored books.

So, we must run a synonymous website in Arabic, Pashto, and Farsi, at least to commence. Folks usually startsending us their secrets! I understand that this may be difficult to believe. But it’s amazing how much individuals like to receive off their chests. They’ll confess anything: offences, infidelities, main future terrorist attacks. Simply imagine all of the al-Qaeda operatives available that are burning to talk about their everyday lifetime, plus they merely have no outlet. I doubt they go out on blind dates.

Yes, I know: postcards are thus 20th century. Many of our adversaries are pretty technologically sophisticated, with up-to-date knowledge of the newest hacking techniques and the like.

That’s where my 2nd proposal comes in. Have you heard about Shadow? It’s a brand-new application that you employ to record your dreams. You awaken in the center of the evening, reach over for your smartphone, and record your dream. Your text is then instantly fed into a worldwide database. It’s basically the NSA of the dreamworld.

So, we must shape a synonymous application. Let’s simply call it Shhh! It’s a area where you are able to shop all of the deepest, darkest tips. And we promise that it’s the many secure area to shop this vital info, and we would not, ever tap into the recesses of the smartphone to extract that info. Would folks trust an application? Needless to say! Our smartphones have become extensions of our bodies. They would not betray us.

I understand, I understand. Some hardened terrorists would not reach for a postcard or perhaps a smartphone. We can’t depend on them to usually come to us. We have to go to them. And that’s where the 3rd idea comes in.

I was inspired by a recent incident that took spot on Amtrak. Apparently, your predecessor Michael Hayden was sitting found on the Amtrak train the alternative day chatting on his cellular phone and offering a background interview with a reporter. Sitting behind him was a interested citizen with a Twitter account who eavesdropped found on the conversation and reported the tastiest pieces via tweets.

The standard principle here is: Put somebody in a comfortable seat with a mobile phone and nothing else to do and they’ll simply begin chatting. Even the previous head of the NSA can do this! He wasn’t threatened with waterboarding. No 1 took his family hostage. It was only a magical mixture of comfort, boredom, and an overwhelming sense of self-importance.

I propose setting up a test run from Mogadishu to Kismayo. This train must have actually comfortable seats, effective air-conditioning, along with a broad selection of fruit juices. Cell telephone towers ought to be placed at intervals along the route to confirm great coverage. And we put our Somali-speaking operatives in each of the cars of the train. All they have to do is wait and hear.

Yes, I expect your last objection. Angela Merkel is not going to send a postcard or download our Shhh! application. And despite the reality German trains are more comfortable than Amtrak, the prime minister is not probably to receive on board and begin blabbing. How will my proposals web us the data we wish within the leaders of our effective allies?

Hang tight — this really is my right proposal yet. So, it was my right proposal until the Russians somehow got a jump on me. At the last G20 meeting, those wily Russians gave out cute small memory forces to all participants. Stick the USB drive into your computer and — bingo! — the Russians could see all of Angela Merkel’s holiday pictures.

I understand it’s not the Cold War anymore, but we may nonetheless one-up the Russkies. You’ve heard about Google Glass, appropriate? It’s the hot handheld computer that turns your eyeglasses into a window to the World Wide Web. You had to enter a competition — on Twitter, naturally — to win a prototype. This really is the hottest brand-new device ever.

I’m certain you’ve guessed at this point — we provide Google Glass as presents to our most crucial buddies: David Cameron, Francois Hollande, Angela Merkel. We apologize for tapping their phones and compiling fat blackmail folders based found on the info we assembled. We tell them that we hope that this present might go at least piece of the means toward repairing the breach in our friendship.

Trust me, because shortly because they try the unique Google Glass, they’ll be hooked. And then we’ll have everything that they see, hear, touch, taste. The NSA is a modern Stasi? Please! Those men were pikers, technologically talking.

So, what do you think? Are these brilliant suggestions, or what? I look forward to hearing from you because shortly because possible. I’m getting tired of coconuts, banana leaves, and fish. I’d be happy to come to Langley and enable out on any or all of these proposals. Or I might collaborate with all the technogeeks in our Rome workplace.

I’ll wait to hear from you. But if I don’t receive some sort of reaction this time, I would feel a compulsion to share my inspirations. No blind dates on this atoll. But I nevertheless have 1 of my Twitter accounts….

This article originally appeared at Comedy Blog on The Huffington Post